nut hugger
im having a threesome with these popsicles
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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