Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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