is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
