had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
