he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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