The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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