If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
