i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
