i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He better not be in your backpack
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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