Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
