i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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