So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
