No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
