i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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