he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize