i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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