you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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