I smell stomach acid.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
