I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You are a genius and a whore.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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