New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
