The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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