the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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