Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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