How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
