A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just cut my nipple shaving
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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