note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
