Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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