Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
