May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm passing your future prison.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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