miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
