the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
its not stalking. its research.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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