remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
