Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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