Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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