the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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