LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
