Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
