Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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