Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
