new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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