My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
