not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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