When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
