Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
