So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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