There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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