Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
