What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
