my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
