Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
