just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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