Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
