My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
All the doctor said was why
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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