Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
