I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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