My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
