she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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