half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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