Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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