i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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